Do you suffer from the increasing fear of having flowers delivered to yourself every Valentine's Day? Do you share the two-for-one special at La Casa Lopez with your mom? Did you have a Galentine? Yes you did. And you know you need a Sampson to tear down the pillars of your loneliness.
Lydia May and Maddie Fae are here to provide you with our no fail five step plan to snatching up your man.
1. Grab a baby. Any baby. Walk past your man with this baby at church.
2. Grab a baby. Different baby. Take a pic of you smooching this baby and post it on Facebook.
3. Do your research. You never know when his favorite NCAA team will come up in conversation.
4. Constantly smell of freshly baked apple pie. It is the musk of a future wife.
5. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. DOMESTICITY. LET IT BOUND.
And men, does your diet consist of Mac and Cheese and Poptarts? Do your dishes stack up for weeks at a time? Do you even use dishes? Or do you just use old pizza boxes? Have you worn the same pair of mismatched socks for the last week? You need a woman's tender loving care. Here is the precarious path to a woman's heart:
1. When you go running (every day) be sure to pass the houses of all the single girls you know.
2. Invest in a good hair product. The sharper the hair the prettier the girl.
3. Only play sports you are good at.
4. Constantly smell of cigars. It is the musk of champions.
5. A note will melt her heart. Flowers will make her swoon. Chocolate will make her fat.
